I'm a mess

reasons I love this picture:

a) Michael's face
b) he thinks I roll my eyes at him more than he does at me, but we caught the TRUTH on camera **told ya**
c) I'm being ridiculous
d) all of the above

but really... I am so thankful for this man. yesterday I real-talked with him about how I was feeling like a failure with school & wedding & life; how I had been battling these voices in my head for a few days; and how I didn't think I was going to make it through this semester. **dramatic much? maybe** although he didn't give me this look, I am sure he wanted to, followed by a quick "really??" but he didn't. instead he encouraged me. he reminded me that my strength comes from Christ; that God is the One who brought me to law school for a specific purpose; and that His timing is perfect. and then he prayed over me... how did I get so lucky to do life with a guy who consistently reminds me of God's faithfulness & goodness towards me, even when I'm being dumb/shortsighted?! 

here's to reminders of God's faithfulness, eye-rolls, & renewed perspective. law school, I'm comin for ya.

all the {lies}

today marks the last day of spring break before classes begin again. we are diving head first into the second half of the semester. my appellate brief is due in 3 weeks; oral arguments begin immediately after; and finals are so close I can taste them. real talk: this semester of law school has been rough. I can officially look back at last semester and think, "wow, that was so much easier." **yikes** it seems like this semester the voices in my head are more frequent. they are almost ever-present; whispers mostly & sometimes screams. they tell me that I'm not cut out for this, and I should just quit while I'm behind. they laugh at me for thinking I could plan a wedding & do second semester of 1L year at the same time. they tell me there's no way I'll find a job after this 3 years of crazy. they compare me to all my hard-working classmates who are at the library constantly and involved in everything. they are very convincing, & it's so tempting to believe them.

but then I remember why I'm here. I go back & read this and this and this ... these posts and journal entries on journal entries remind me that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. the Lord brought me here for a specific purpose. do I know what that is yet? no. but it brings me peace in knowing that the voices in my head are just lies; lies that I can choose to believe OR choose to replace with truth. today I am choosing truth. today I will be faithful to what the Lord has called me to do. today I will do my absolute best with what I am given and allow Him to work out the rest.

here's to truth, time to reflect, & realizing the lies are just voices...

{truth} lately

"Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom He has redeemed from the hand of the adversary and gathered from the lands... Let them give thanks to the Lord for His lovingkindness, and for His wonders to the sons of men! For He has satisfied the thirst soul, and the hungry soul He has filled with what is good." - Psalm 107:2-3,8-9

since Michael & I have been engaged, I have been doing a countdown through the Psalms: there are 107 days left until we get married, so I read the 107th Psalm this morning. since college I have loved the psalms for showing me that God isn't scared of our feelings; king david, whom God calls a man after His heart, tells us how he really feels. he wasn't afraid to "yell" at God, tell God he was disappointed, or ask God where He was. but he also reminded himself of God's faithfulness, love, and mercy. he constantly remembers where he was before the Lord, and where the Lord has brought him now. 

remembering God's faithfulness can be hard sometimes, especially when there are so many other distractions. this morning I am reminded of God's faithfulness in looking back to where He rescued me. my sophomore year of college... February 2009. I had placed my identity in so many different things: basketball, boys, body image, etc. the one thing they all had in common was leaving me broken and empty. I will never forget driving on the oklahoma turnpike, crying because my identity that was misplaced in a boy was just crushed, and the Lord almost whispering, "are you done?" you see, in my head I knew truth. I grew up in the church, but it just never sank in until that day, driving with a broken heart. these years and years after have not been easy, and there are plenty of times that I have failed to remember the Lord's faithfulness in rescuing me from the dark pit of lies I had fallen into. but that's why we have reminders of truth in God's Word! later in verses 19-20 it says:

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble; He saved them out of their distresses. He sent His word and headed them, and delivered them from their destructions."

here's to: broken moments, remembering God's faithfulness, and His beautiful redemption story! 

to all the girls

I am a fan of strong women. I will forever be grateful to my 11th grade english teacher who introduced me to Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice; to my sweet friend Katie who showed me how to be an athlete, yet still be feminine; to loads on loads of heart friends who show me what it looks like to be a strong, beautiful woman who loves the Lord and people. however, there is a difference in the women I just described and the "strong" woman many think of today. today's strong woman is still confident, wise, and fierce, but we added some harmful things and have lost something really important... **disclaimer: I realize many will not agree with me, and I'm ok with that**

who are the women we look up to in today's society? beyonce, rhianna, miley cyrus, and the list goes on and on. these are all women who have been on the covers of countless magazines, are super successful in their field, and are role models for countless young women. but let's think about the archetype of woman this is: strong, smart/business savvy, talented, rockin {unrealistic} bods, sexually liberated, and confident. don't get me wrong, I have been a fan of B for years, and I jam out to "flawless" probably more than I'd like to admit. however, over the past 6 months my eyes have slowly opened to the message these women are passing to me and countless other women: that we are valuable for our bodies and being a woman really means being confident and liberated sexually **cue miley butt-naked swinging on a wrecking ball here & let's not even mention bey's soft-porn music videos** here's the deal, this doesn't actually value women at all. it plays into this objectivity of women; it communicates to us, and the world, that women are only valuable for their bodies, what they can do with them, and how many men want to go to bed with them. yikes... strong woman? that's not how I want to be remembered... in fact, why am I even going to law school when my intelligence is not something the world considers valuable? yesterday I went to a conference called "Human Rights and the Sexualization of Culture" where Benjamin Nolot from Exodus Cry said, "if you conducted a survey of 100 girls from 11-14, most, if not all, could tell you the top 3 women pop-culture icons, but I bet you would be hard pressed to even find one who could tell you the names of the three women Supreme Court Justices." I'm ashamed to say that I didn't even know there were three women Justices, & I'm in law school... so how do we change this? what is the right view of women?

for a long time I struggled with the Proverbs 31 woman as this woman who was quiet and did what her husband told her to... but then I started to really read it. "the heart of her husband trusts her... [she] works with her hands in delight... she brings food from afar, she rises also while it is still night... she considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard... she girds herself with strength... she extends her hands to the poor, and stretches out her hands to the needy... strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future... she opens her mouth in wisdom..." to quote Elizabeth Bennett, "she would certainly be a most fearsome thing to behold." women and men, when are we going to stop valuing women for their bodies? when will be begin to value women for the content of their character?! let's quit buying this lie, and exchange it for the truth that our identity is worth far more than what the world is telling us!

{busyness} defined

I remember being in high school thinking that I was busy because my life was consumed by sports **mostly basketball** & school. however, I got a great amount of sleep every night, had plenty of time to "do nothing" & didn't even have to make to-do lists! then came freshman year of college, varsity basketball **two-a-days**, classes, and a social life to balance. then the rest of college, after I transferred to arkansas **aka the best three years ever** when I had class, building new community, and nothing but time. the long breaks, going to the park in the middle of the day just because, and "studying" in the library with the bests. those were the days. then came post-college with a strange work schedule, two weeks off a year, but still time to catch yoga classes & wine nights with good friends. those three years post college were followed by a bliss of a summer by the pool, visiting friends all over the south, and being thrown into a new, long-distance fling... it was like a movie.

then came last august, where I move to the east coast, began law school, made new friends, kept up with old ones, and began #samecitydating. august-december were some of the busiest, roughest, but oh-so-rewarding months of my life. I don't think I've ever been that disciplined to get crap done, that focused on a goal, or had that long of a to-do list. but it happened, and now I'm back for round 2. except this semester there's a catch... I'm also planning a wedding & getting used to this shiny thing on my finger. june 13, 2015. needless to say, my to-do lists just multiplied, time keeps running short, and my focus is split. how in the world am I supposed to do all of this, and do all of this WELL?!

as I sit here and think about what all needs to be done this week, I am reminded of how relative busy-ness really is. I'm sure one day I'll look back at these next few months and think, "sister, you had NO idea what being busy looked like"... but until then, I'm learning to wake up each day and focus on just that day. how? first, coffee & quiet time. always. no exceptions. then to-do lists. then sleep. wake up, repeat.

time management

well people, this weekend I realized something: being in law school is hard & planning a wedding during law school is crazy. would I rather spend my day looking at pinterest for wedding inspiration? look into vendors in NWA? plan which songs we want at the wedding? look for the billionth time at dresses to try on later this week? pick out the bridal party gifts? OF COURSE!! however, it is becoming even more important for me to stay on top of my studies this semester; outlines for classes; and the two totally optional competitions I signed up for **insert "what was I thinking" emoji here** 

also, there's this half marathon that I signed up for, and it's right around the corner in march. to say this is the busiest season of my life to date would be an understatement! it's as good of a time to learn about the blessings of delegation and time management... because without it I really could turn into a crazy person in the next 5 months! 

here's to taking things one day at a time, to-do lists as long as my arm, learning the art of delegating, and meditating on philippians 4:6-7 to keep my sanity. 

surprise {engaged edition}

phrase of the day that Michael proposed: what in the world?!?! 

january 6, 2015: Michael & I were in arkansas visiting his family. that morning I had slipped off to have breakfast with a sweet friend. she asked me if I thought we would be engaged soon. my answer, "oh no! we aren't even close... well, I mean it will probably be like at least 2-3 months before that happens!" **little did I know** Michael really wanted to get us some kayaks, so the plan was to go to beaver lake & try out his uncle's kayaks that afternoon. around 2:00, we began the drive that we had done together only one other time: our first date. **and this is where things get interesting**

on our way there, I decided to tell Michael that if I were going to guess the spot he would have proposed, it would be the little island in the middle of beaver lake that he pointed out to me on our first date **major foot in mouth... ladies, just keep those thoughts to yourself** I told him this because a while ago, while we were in Virginia, he mentioned he knew exactly where he would propose. I just assumed that meant it would happen somewhere in Virginia. again, I wasn't thinking, and I have zero filter. little did I know, that was the plan the whole time. Michael played it cool, and I never suspected a thing. when we got to the dock, the wind off the lake was soooo cold. plans changed. we decided to just sit & talk inside his uncle's cabin/lake house. I was sitting on the window seat, he was sitting on the couch. then he said, "ok, I need to talk to you about something..." and I tried to tell myself it wasn't happened & oh gosh, heart, be still! at some point he just stopped, and I finally said, "ok, what are you saying?" then... he got down on one knee and said the sweetest words followed by "will you marry me?" 

and at that moment, we were the only two on the planet who knew we were engaged, and it was the best. the proposal was very "us"... we were both in athletic clothes **Michael even wore 2-layers of cardinal gear** I had almost zero makeup on, and it was perfect. we sat and dreamed together for probably 30-45 minutes before heading back to his parent's house to tell everyone. the excitement of both of our families and so many friends has been an overwhelming blessing! thank y'all for sharing our excitement!!

Michael, thanks for putting up with my craziness & loving me for it. thanks for showing me a tangible picture of iron sharpening iron. thanks for pushing me towards higher goals. thanks for being my adventure partner for life. thanks for surprising me & allowing me to take part in surprising others with our news. thanks for loving & choosing me. you da you da. june 13, 2015, aka 5 months from TODAY, here we come!! #haefnerforever